going to four funerals by the time i'm 18 is fucked up.

i'm about to go to nate potter's funeral, the driveby shooting in riverwest that was on the news...

i went to school with him and his brother. i saw him at uwm with his fucking fiance like a month ago.

shit is fucked up.

how strange it is to let your walls down & fall in love...

♥ ♥ ♥

Current Mood: optimistic

My friends make me never want to drink again.

So Kiki offers to give me a ride home (I assumed she wasn't that drunk because I wasn't that drunk and therefore capable of driving). I didn't ask for a ride whatsoever and would never ask someone who is uncapable of driving to give me a ride. Obviously I made the wrong assumption and she ran into a parked car probably going like 30-35, and my head slams into the dashboard and the airbag pops out. My entire jaw hurts and my chin is way swollen, I have cuts all over my chin and my nose and a blue busted up lip. WTF. I'm so pissed off why does the dumbest shit always happen when people are drunk and never when they're high? Why the fuck is weed illegal and alcohol isn't?

I wanna punch someone.

Current Mood: livid

Could you survive in the wild, with a wife and a child,
A whole human history, a line a type and a file,
So live your life in denial, or try to live on your own,
Without your colour TV, heat, fridge or the phone,
Well the average guy lives an elaborate lie,
Waste days on slave wage beneath the passionate eye,
Now we ovulate, copulate and over-populate,
Never stop to think about the things that we were taught to hate,
Now the stage is set, watch the players place their bets,
Take a sec, shake your head, feel alive, make you sweat,
Realize that the system can't exist without belief,
Appreciate your true potential, untwist your mouth and speak,
We're working on building a world our children can live in,
Understand, I can't be free, while you're still in this prison,
And I could spend my days preaching, so on and so forth,
But it won't change, until we don't want to go on, no more,

But the thing about it is we can't just sing about it,
We can't just sit around and wait until they thin us out,
We figure out where we're going while we live in doubt,
If you want my truth, listen now and just think about it,
The thing about it is we can't even think about it,
Can't afford a minutes time to figure how to bring about a change,
So, take a second, and shake your head,
And take a step ahead and think about it

so this weekend i went on a "social justice retreat" offered through uwm and the women's resource center (for free). Awesome doesn't even half describe it, it was at camp matawa, with these gorgeous cabins that had everything you needed, this huge lounge room with the comfiest couches and chairs, a microwave, and a fridge stocked with munchies. The cabins had 2 seperate bathrooms with full showers.... I didn't want to leave. They gave us breakfast, lunch, and dinner and surprisingly with not just vegetarian but vegan options (there were 2 vegans). Oh... and the cabins were gender inclusive. There were these 2 GORGEOUS girls in my cabin (who both happened to be lesbians and hooked up). Seriously, I can't even begin to describe these girls... one was light skinned and multi-racial and looked like erykah badu with a beautiful fro and gorgeous skin and body, and the other girl was like milk chocolate colored and looked like ... an african goddess. what babes.

Anyways, it was just super chill like the african girl from ghana and this other girl emily had both gone on the SOA trips & there was this guy Jonathon who I worked with at this teen shelter called pathfinders ages ago. It's incredibly inspiring to be around really intelligent people who think the same way as you & I'd feel that way about people in most of my classes because they're all like sociology/ social work but there's a ridiculously high amount of anti-gay sentiment & people who believe in god in all of my classes that feel the need to voice their dumb ass oppinions. Like this girl in my social inequalities class has a god and cross tattoo on her wrist and writes prayers and scriptures & crosses on all of our worksheets while i just sit there thinking shes a total tool. It was just like all these kids had their heads on right and were super optimistic and we talked a lot about how to keep working for shit even when you feel burnt out and how to get past that which is something i find really hard when so much shit is fucked up.

The experience was really cool also because my thursday-sunday consist of just drinking too much booze, wasting too much money, and feeling like shit at the end of the weekend. Not that I don't have a lot of fun on the weekends but it was a real eye opener to just smoke weed and not drink and still have so much fun. We were up until like 4 -5 in the morning every night just talking and shit cuz we had a lot to say not because we were drunk and acting a fool. I've never been straight edge but I've always been aware that sober fun is really fucking fun and I kind of wish not all of my friends were alcoholics and we could do something else besides getting drunk every single night. The trip just really makes me want to work on & take a look at my interpersonal communications / re-evaluate them. I need/ am going to quit smoking weed too, which should really help with going vegan again & also save me some money & being more active & just being a better person. It's really easy to do stuff like this and feel really inspired, like how I was after the SOA trip & then that feeling evaporates really fast and I need to make that not go away... somehow.

and i want my tax returns back so I can get this tattedd....



& i want it to say go wild

shit im excited

THANK YOU GOVERNMENT.

$686 back from the federal govt and $142 from state. -30 to file taxes: $798..... I CAN NOT WAIT TO GET THAT CHECK IN THE MAIL.

i'm a get like 304839084 tattoos.

ben gorski, you slightly make me drool a little.



I don't usually talk about dumb relatonship bullshit but I'm really pumped that I finally talked to Conor and that we're just friends now after 7 months. I like having really clear boundaries and am ready to build healthier relatonships. And I'm doing pretty well on the vegan thing too, smoking weed doesn't really help buttt I'm basically done with that so things should be going a lot easier.... I actually kind of want school to start back up again... I wanna get my shit done and then I want to go to Montana. My mom is going to design my tattoo too i can't wait to get this show on the road.

It's really fucking me up how I haven't gone a single day without crying since Ben's funeral. I have a prescription to zoloft because of it that I haven't filled. I don't want medication for a feeling that's totally natural but at the same time I'm getting awfully sick of the way I've been feeling because of this. I hate looking at his pictures and his lively face it makes me so miserable I wish I could look at death in a different way but he was so fucking young... it's tearing me up inside. And now I have other people to worry about too and I swear to god I'm going to go insane if I lose another friend at this age.

I think I've posted like an entry on this probably like 4 times now but it's fucking horrible and it's all i can think about.

2008 was a good year, graduating high school and finishing my first semester of college, moving out, moving in with 2 of my best friends, positive relationships, lots of new friends... an awesome summer, tons of concerts, turning 18, etc.

Last year I made no resolutions but I think there's a lot of things in my life that need to change.

I need to return to veganism
- buy less stuff & shop at better places
-drink less, much much less
- smoke less herb
-smoke no cigs
-exercise more
-drink more water
-go to class every day
-figure out where some of my relationships stand and whether or not they are healthy and set up some real boundaries
-read all of the books in my house that i haven't yet read- in general read more
-get a better job
-budget my money better
-be healthier in general

i have a lot to fucking work on.

Current Mood: determined

i can't stop crying i'm so sad i wish this had never happened
....

i feel so horrible right now i feel naucious i just want this feeling to go away

i hate drugs so much for taking my friends away